Thy Will Be Done

Nothing aggravates my anxiety like church callings.  There's only one calling that doesn't give me panic attacks and that is primary pianist.  I love primary pianist!

Right now I'm the Cubmaster in our ward.  I have no experience with cub scouts.  I've never done anything with cub scouts.  And now I'm in charge of them and it scares me to tears.  Literally.

I go to every training thing I can and come away feeling inadequate.  I feel so unsure of what Heavenly Father wants from me with this calling.  Does He want me to become what all the trainers want?  Someone who's over the top and goes all out and plans every detail.  Or does He want me to bring my own spin to things?  Casual, within budget, and fast.  I think it's the latter, but every time I go to anything scouting I come away feeling discouraged because I am NOT over the top and obsessed with scouting.  I'm just not.  

So, yeah, I'm feeling contentious with myself.  Am I supposed to be Nephi and be this great leader or can I just be Sam, righteous, but certainly not one to build a boat.  I feel like I'm in that game where you're blindfolded and trying to find your way across the room and all these different voices are telling you how to get there.  And all the noise in my head has made it impossible for me to hear that ONE voice that will tell me the answer.

My husband gave me a blessing last night and God basically said, "I didn't pick this calling for you because it was easy." And then told me to do what it takes to have the spirit in my home more to calm my nerves. 

If there's one thing I've learned from getting rid of TV, it's that we are surrounding by things that offend the spirit and we don't even realize it.  We've become so desensitized!  The noise, the crude humor, the music, the stuff, and the laziness all drive Him away.  I didn't realize how much media I rationalized until I removed myself from it.  So I need to remove myself from the rest if I am going to be able to deal with my stress, I think.  

This is the hard part.  It's easy to get rid of tv and remove yourself from that.  It's harder to remove yourself from worrying about other people's opinions of you and what they think you should be doing.  It's easy to get rid of physical clutter in your home, harder to get rid of the mental and spiritual clutter we allow into our minds.  Laziness is probably my biggest problem.  And I think that means the one I need to take care of first.  Yikes!  It's worth it though, if I can feel confident about my calling and the rest of the things in my life.